Rough Month

The endless deadlines, the pressure my professor giving me, the fear of having to extend my study here without a scholarship, longing for home, insecurities, and a sudden burst of inferiority, everything all in one finally got me. I was so stressful. My brain could not work properly. I felt stuck and helpless. I remember I was in my lab late night, alone, on the weekend, sitting in front of the computer, thinking so hard about what to write, but nothing. Nothing came up. I was blank. My acne burst out, I gained weight from continuous eating, my room was messed up, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get up either, I was a mess. I knew I have so much to do, but I had this unexplained fright that made me not doing anything at all. And it became a vicious circle.

There was a day on the weekend, I decided to go out, took my bike, wandered around. I thought I should go shopping but I didn’t want to spend too much money, so I went to a secondhand bookstore instead. I was looking for a fiction book to read, just to get my head off things, because I remember I used to find peace of mind when reading a good book. Properly. But, I had to find the book first. Then I saw this book. I remember I once read a self-improvement article where it encouraged the reader, me, to read more nonfiction book. I thought that if I read a nonfiction, it should be a biography of successful people. But, a peek of this book, I thought, oh well, let’s just buy it. This book is really applicable and I feel like I totally relate to its contents. The chapter is the “secret”, with a simple explanation and an example on each chapter.

After buying the book, I continued strolling around to Peace Park. I thought that perhaps I could feel better by being surrounded by nature. Well, park with trees is nature, right? Before going home, I stopped by at the library near the park. Usually, I visit the library to find an English fiction book. There are so many there, but the maximum period of borrowing the book only for two weeks. If I want to extend, I have to go to the library again. Troublesome. But, I went there anyway. I picked up one of the Sherlock Holmes books, and while reading it, the new book popped up into my head. So, I decided to read it instead. Like I predicted, the “Oh, it’s so me!” often almost spoken while reading it. Then, I picked up my journal (Hello there, long time no see), wrote one “simple secret”, associated it with my own experience, and added my thought on how to improve it. And you know what, it was so therapeutic! I felt so much better after. I planned to do it once a week as self-healing, but, we’ll see. Some weeks passed, but since I still stuck in this endless deadlines, I haven’t done it yet again.

In the end, these all are just a complimentary. The most important thing to do is raising my hands, putting my head down, and pray. Be patient, I’m almost there.